This web site contains stories of physical, mental, emotional, and sexual child abuse.

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Saturday, April 01, 2006

A story by Margaret B

When I was 19 I left the Navy and went to New York City and my what sights I saw! first off I had no money so the first night slept in grand central station. Did I see sleep, had to stay awake all night to guard my life and what little belongings I had. Drunks, perverts, drug addicts and cops all were the enemy of vagrants! Oh, I wanted to try drugs because I was told you could forget and lose inhibitions so you could accomplish so much.

Last night I listened to a book called, “Now Is the Time to Open Your Heart” by Alice Walker that answered some questions for me. One theory is that people take drugs to get back to the place where they called home, or a place when they had great success, or the one time they did something no one else could do and was somebody for five or ten minutes and it struck me that I never experienced any of those things so maybe that kept me from the drugs. now I ask myself was that a blessing or not, because here in the state of fl if I was a drug addict I could get so much help I would live like a millionaire, never have to worry about my next meal, never have to worry about shelter or clothing and there would be all kinds of people trying to save me from myself, oh lordly! The down side is Hepatitis C and HIV, but I have to get checked for these things every three years anyway because of all the transfusions I had before they started checking blood given by others. When I was a child they gave you B-12 shots and blood transfusions if you were anemic, now who is lucky?

Well, the next three nights I slept at the port authority and one night I hid in the NYC Library where I was very safe as long as I stayed still and did not set off any alarms. There were no alarms in the bathrooms and found one with a shower, oh that was heaven! Felt clean enough to look for a job on that my 5th day in the big apple. And found one that very day as a statistical secretary for catholic charities, did not know what it meant but passed the test over 35 other applicants. One of the women I would be working for loaned me some money to find shelter for the week. The Yucca would not take me because I put down catholic as my religion, “we do not take Catholics, blacks or Jews”, was what I was informed. Asked if they rented to prostitutes and they said yes, whoa this big apple is rotten!!!!

I found what is called a hostel run by some German Nuns who had beer on tap who were glad to rent me a curtained off area. was like a hospital ward, lots of beds and you drew a curtain around your bed to DESIGNATE that it was occupied, this curtain had to be drawn day and night and no men allowed. It was 23 blocks from where I was to work so got lots of exercise walking to and from work. The little extra money I had went on jars of baby FOOD; they were cheap then and kept me alive for three weeks till my first pay check. While walking back and forth to work happened to see a sign asking for volunteers to read bedtime stories to children, this intrigued me so inquired. it was an orphanage run by semi-cloistered nuns and they were happy to get me for three nights a week, did not want to do a lot of walking so would get there by 6pm, straight from work, and stay helping to serve the meal, this way I got supper, then helped with bathing and read the bedtime stories leaving around 8:30 p.m. Getting back to the hostel around 9 p.m. one night the nuns ran out of beer and asked a friend and myself to go three blocks and pick up some for them! No problem so we got the beer and started back, two blocks to go and we were accosted by a pr gang; there were 10 of them to two of us. They had one thing on their minds, rape! my friend and I fought to no avail and we were gang raped but when the leader let me up I pulled a knife and cut him low following it with a kick from my Wellington Boots. The nuns got there beer and I got my second series of rape and vowed it would be the last time a male took advantage of me and took what he wanted without my consent. I have to say that physical no man ever took from me what I did not want him to take but males have insulted my intelligence, my looks, my stamina, my ethics and always I never got the same pay for doing than same job and doing it better than my male counterpart. May they all rot in hell, if I believed in hell, which I don’t because you live hell on this earth! and what I have gone thru on this earth at the hands of others sure cured me of believing things from the catholic point of view, boy are they warped in their beliefs!

I did not last in New York City but about three months. A Nun from White Plains New York heard of me and my trails and tribulations and arranged for me to work for her at St. Anges Hospital in White Plains. There I learned to drink and stay drunk for 24 hours at a time and still be able to hold down two full time positions, x-ray tech student and switchboard operator/ambulance dispatcher. I lived in the nurses residence and all of us Catholics were obliged to go to daily mass to keep your job, was told had to stay at least two years, felt like an indentured servant. I stayed there three years working in x-ray, switchboard, admitting clerk, nurses aide (on all shifts), cleaned the chapel and on the maintaince crew. Spent my nights in the nearest bars and my vacations in Florida drinking all the way there and back. On one such trip when I was 21 found my 10 year old sister who I had not seen since she was two. She was married to a red-necked ignorant loudmouthed Kentucky jackass. She had one child and was a month pregnant. Her adopted mother got in touch with me and asks if I would come down and get acquainted again with her. The adopted mother was a millionaire from Kansas, had had no children of her own, her husband had 7 and then they adopted 8 or 9 more. When they adopted my sister I was in the hospital and they were supposed to notify her when I was out so she could adopt me also. The Florida orphanage wrote and told her that I was an idiot and was being institutionalized. Well maybe they were right on both counts cause have always felt like I was in a cage and feel it closing in on me at this very moment.

Anyway Mrs. Dreyer was good to me until the day she died but she tried to hard and I was all ready mistrustful of strangers bearing gifts. Anyway I have off and on kept up with my sister Judy, kept her oldest son, when he was 5, one summer in New York. He had gotten to be too much for the family so gave her a break. When I took him back bought school clothes for all three children and toys and got a car for Judy so she could get them to doctors and all. Claimed she was broke because her husband had lost his job. Well he had, they were living in Louisville, Kentucky at this time. She had the silver mountain kennels razing St. Bernard’s, such beautiful animals! Could only last three days visiting her because of her husband who wanted me to go to bed with him, said it was his right since he had married my sister. Found out most of his family were mentally retarded and did not work on welfare and bred like rabbits. That’s the state of Kentucky for you and Florida and Arkansas, these three states reward red-necked ignorant assholes.

Well I am getting tired and will pick this up at another time, maybe some day I will get all this anger and hurt and revenge from my heart and soul and get out of this cage.

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