Orphan Survival Stories Index |
"LOVE" vs. "MONSTER"
Having been raised most of my young life in a Jacksonville, Florida orphanage, I, along with many other kids, was not familiar with the feeling of ‘love.’ ‘Love’ was just a word to us, something that we heard on television from shows like ‘Leave it to Beaver’ and ‘Father Knows Best.’
Growing up without ‘love’ is not as terrible as it sounds. At least it did not appear to be to us kids.
Not having or experiencing ‘love’ as a child is a lot like not having milk with your breakfast every morning. The milk is not there so you have no idea or clue that something healthy is missing from your breakfast diet. That is exactly how it was with ‘love.’ We never missed it, because we never knew it was missing from our emotional diet.
The realization that something is wrong comes many years later. It generally surfaces when the orphan moves out into society and has to deal with people who were subjected to the feeling of ‘love.’ That is when they become emotionally confused and start to scratch their heads trying to figure out what the hell it is that other people are all crooning about.
I suppose not drinking milk and/or not taking a daily dose of calcium every day will certainly catch up with you one day - that not taking care of your bones make them brittle and easily injured. I would suppose that not receiving ‘love’ as a child also causes mental deficiencies. I am just not sure how much a ‘normal, rational’ brain can correct this type of a problem. Can it happen just by wishing the feeling of ‘love’ to suddenly appear from thin air? Can one manufacture the feeling of ‘love’ to fill that sad lonely place that unloved children always have inside themselves?
It is very difficult for those of us who were abused as children to wake up every morning feeling happy. No matter what others say, I am afraid that those of us who were unloved as children will never "get over it."
It is a feeling of sadness and loneliness that lives deep within one's self. It is an invisible emotion, a form of emotional cancer that cannot be cut away. It has become a permanent part of our brains, a permanent way of thinking and feeling. It is who we have become as individuals. All we can do is try our best to suppress that lonely feeling and make a descent life for ourselves, and our children.
It is up to us and us alone, to stop that feeling from spreading into our families. It is up to us to be nice to others when we do not feel like being nice. It is up to us to hug our children when hugging has very little meaning to us personally, as human beings.
The greatest happiness we will ever know is when we have stopped these feeling from spreading to our children and our grandchildren. With much pride, we will stand as we watch their happy little faces. They will truly smile and truly laugh. They will hug without having to stop and think. They will be good and they will be kind. Why? Just because!
When it is all over and done, they will not know how to congratulate us for having saved them. They will be free and they will be happy. And most of all, they will never have to fight ‘THE MONSTER.’